Rules for Airports and Travel…

Today’s travel to Vermont for the holidays was not too bad. Things began well with being upgraded to first class for the long leg, from Phoenix to Philly. Security as not too bad, but from this point forward I will aways go through the “A” checkpoint instead of the “B” checkpoint at Phoenix Sky Harbor. B was understaffed.

In Philly had had a three and a half hour layover, which is two hours more than was scheduled. While there I was able to reflect on some things that I had noted so far on the trip (or had noted in the past) and I offer these rules now to make travel easier for everyone:

1) If you cannot lift your carry-on luggage into the overhead bin, you cannot carry it on. While it is lovely that others are willing to accept this burden for you, the simple fact is that if you know it will give you a hernia, you cannot ask someone else to lift it for you.

2) If you have two carry-on bags with wheels, you cannot drag both behind you, one in each hand. By doing so you create a six foot wide wedge all by yourself, which makes you wider than one of those golf carts with the obnoxious back-up beep. (I noted that when someone does form the one person wedge, they tend to walk down the middle of the concourse. After all, they don’t want to bang their luggage against obstacles like walls, chairs or shins. But they’re not so choosy about shins.) Carry-on luggage must be piled, smaller on larger, and wheeled as one unit. If that makes it too heavy, refer to rule one when packing.

3) No stopping on a concourse without looking behind you. I’m sure you don’t want the party of seven who are late for their flight to be running you over. They won’t if you actually have some awareness of the situation around you. Do not back up without looking either. And if you can’t see the cart that is beeping, get out of the way.

4) On the plane, do not bend over from the waist to stick your luggage under the seat in front of you prior to taking that seat. This is especially true on small commuter jets. If you do, your buttocks will end up hitting the face of the person in the aisle seat across from you. Turning around and saying, “Oh, I’m sorry,” after smacking your cheeks into their cheeks really is insufficient. Give them money or buy them a drink. (I am reconsidering my policy of choosing aisle seats on the trip back.)

5) Under no circumstances whatsoever are you allowed to act surprised when your luggage does not fit in the overhead bin. You could not have missed all the signs in the airport. You could not have missed the bins to test your luggage every four feet in the concourse. You could not have imagined, when you were stuffing that baby elephant or grand piano or Hummer into your carry-on luggage that somehow it would fit. Feigning surprise at this event should be a caning offense. True surprise means you should have to walk everywhere from this point forward, without the benefit of wheeled luggage.

6) When you are the last stand-by passenger permitted on a plane, you are not allowed to complain that another passenger will not give up a seat so you and your second cousin can sit together. (This did not happen to me, I just heard it after I switched seats so a man could sit with his wife.) You were lucky to even get on the plane. Do not push your luck.

Okay, if everyone follows these rules, the traveling public will be much happier. Or I will.