Ask Dr. Sinisterion: Who do I back in the GOP Primary?

(After months of having been absent from blogging and off the radar, please welcome back Doctor Sinisterion. He assures me that he’s successfully fought extradition, so should be a regular here once again. Here is his latest dose of insight about the world from a decidedly and distinctly unique point of view. —Mike Stackpole)

Doctor Sinisterion (D. D.), is the author of the recent book If I Was A Supervillain. Having retired after a long career as a spiritual consultant and entrepreneur, he took time to study many of the great criminal enterprises of our time, and offers his critique of them in his book. Critics have suggested the book is merely an exercise in revisionist history. He scoffs at his critics and looks forward to their delight when those “secret” and “private” pictures they have of themselves become public. (Who, after all, do you think it was taught the Murdochs how to hack phones and computers?) He has recently undertaken a new line of work: he is now a life coach for those in the costumed trade, giving hope to the hopeless, and removing the desperation from despotism.

Dear Doctor Sinisterion,

I plan to take over the world some day, but I’m not quite ready to go off and do freelance evil. (Still working the day job cold-calling senior citizens and frightening them into buying supplemental black-helicopter-attack insurance.) In looking at the crop of Republicans running for President, I’m stymied. I want to back someone who will set me up to take over some day, but I fear some of these clowns might ruin things. Who should I support?

— Professor 333
AntiChrist in Training

Dear Demi-beast,

Your conundrum is a valuable one for study. I apologize, therefore, for employing that virus to wipe out your employer’s computers after you called. I wish you had believed me when I told you the first, second and third times that I did not require your insurance product, since my missile batteries are in tip-top shape. Oh, and I’m sorry about your cat.

Because of your inquiry, I, Doctor Sinisterion, after due consideration and the use of stimulants to keep me awake during the Republican Presidential Primary Debates, have chosen to endorse a candidate for President. In my capacity as a spiritual advisor, I’ve had ample opportunities to meet with candidates over the years, seeking to influence, manipulate or bend them to my will. That’s less a professional pursuit than a hobby—keeps me in trim for when I bring plans for world domination to fruition.

As I look at the race, there are only two viable candidates for the GOP: Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. Ron Paul wants everyone to keep their hands off his stuff, which is hardly a recipe for successful mastery over humanity. Rick Santorum does not think broadly enough. He wishes to dominate American families. Nothing wrong with that, but domination benefits from the trickle-down process. Start at the top and everything falls into place. Start at the bottom and if, by odd happenstance, you succeed, you’re still on the bottom—and Santorum desperately wishes he was a top.

I find, as I review the frontrunners, only one candidate presents a clear and obvious choice. I favor the quote from Lord Acton, thusly paraphrased, “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” This forms the basis for my decision-making process. Because power does corrupt, why select a candidate who requires time to sink deeper into corruption? It’s frightfully inefficient. Never get the trains to run on time if you go that route. Moreover, I see little virtue in the idea of choosing the lesser of two evils. Why pick the least successful evil? Pure folly.

Newt Gingrich, then, clearly is my man. After all, he sees himself as so corrupt, that to polish his public image, he chose to join a Christian sect which has been rocked by pedophilia scandals. When consorting with child sexual predators is seen as an image enhancement, you know you have a man who’s not afraid to embrace his dark side.

Gingrich is also the man who advised Freddie Mac and precipitated the world capital crisis. For this simple reason, he is clearly best suited to cleaning up that mess. He installed the buttons that were punched to get things rolling, so who better to know which ones need removal?

Of course, there are Mitt Romney supporters who will whine that their man is corrupt. Bain Capital, a company he ran, did more damage to corporations than Jack the Ripper did to West End trollops. While he does have some vivisectionist tendencies, it was ink, not blood, that ran red. Little League stuff, really. Had Romney actually done something which broke an industry and required Federal bailouts, then his action might have been worthy of note.

As far as corruption goes, he’s strictly small fry. His walk on the wild side involves fibbing about Swiss bank accounts and strolling by Starbucks to sniff caffeine steam. He’s not even Machiavellian enough to have forced at least one of his sons into the Armed Forces so he could tick that box on his Presidential checklist. If one cannot subordinate their own offspring, how can one control a nation?

My support for Newt Gingrich is not wholly based on his political career. In fact, by giving Gingrich a job, the electorate may be saving themselves from a spiritual catastrophe of epic proportion. Gingrich is a known writer of science fiction. One should take the career of L. Ron Hubbard as a cautionary tale*. That is where Gingrich could end up if he is not elected to the Presidency. Having no alternative, he would give full vent to his Messianic complex and start his own religion. I’d much prefer to honor him on President’s Day, than have to go shopping in time for Newtmas in June.

Choosing a President is a sacred responsibility and should not be taken lightly. Because the office will corrupt those who occupy it, the electorate has a moral duty to choose the candidate so thoroughly corrupt that his spirit is poisoned and soul is dead. To do otherwise is to condemn another person to moral torment. Thus we become irredeemably corrupted ourselves—though, on the bright side, it does open up career opportunities in politics.

[*I asked Dr. Sinisterion to cut this paragraph. It clearly alludes to Scientology and, despite his assurances that just mentioning the word would gets me lots of hits, I really didn’t want to deal with the consequences of the mention. But Dr. Sinisterion made a persuasive argument as to why I should not edit his deathless prose. (I trust he will keep his word and send me the antidote. Jaundiced and splotchy just is not a good look for me.)]

____________________If you have a question for Doctor Sinisterion, please enter it in the comments below. Doctor Sinisterion cannot answer individual emails, nor is he responsible for anyone acting on his musings.

____________________In Hero Years… I’m Dead comes in two editions. The basic edition costs $5 and contains just the novel. the Deluxe Edition includes a long essay about the process of the writing and the genesis of the ideas. These two links will take you to my store where you can buy the epub format which works on Sony readers, the iPad and the various models of Nooks.

In Hero Years… I’m Dead is also now available for your Kindle. Click this link for the basic edition and this link for the Deluxe Edition