Spammers Know Me Better Than Me…

image by Michael C. Pearo

Internet spam is better than a tarot card reading for determining what’s going on in your life. I say this because I’d like to imagine that all the spammers have my best interests at heart. They just want me to have a better life, really, I’m sure of it. I mean, that has to be it, or otherwise, they’d have no reason to tell me the things they tell me.

Most recently I’ve learned, because of these kind-hearted spammers, that A) I am married and that B) my wife has taken naked pictures of herself and is putting them on the Internet. I’m going to guess this is because I’m a very inattentive husband. Not only have I forgotten our anniversary, but apparently I forgot the whole courtship, engagement, wedding, honeymoon and settling into a life together.

Of course, my being inattentive might not be the only reason my wife is putting naked pictures up on the internets. Other spammers have informed me of another problem of which I was unaware. It apparently has to do with something called a “man-python.” See, I didn’t even know I had a pet, but apparently the fact that I am neglecting it, too, has it depressed, since the spammers report it is “down.” But, not to worry. They have pills that will pep that beast back up and, if I can believe that spam, this will make my wife happy.

If I could find her. She could be out walking the man-python, I guess.

Now other spammers are a bit more moralistic. They fear for my immortal soul. They want to save me from my unfaithful wife, the devil and from the sociopathic-socialist-racist President in the While House. Apparently, from what they tell me, not only will he force me to pay taxes, he will take my guns away and, secretly, wants my wife (and he has the spy network to know where she is with my man-python). He has a man-python, too, and it is something to be feared. Oh, and he is behind the secret training camps for Muslim Militias and I gather they might be interested in my wife, too, but only to dress her up in a burka.

Yet others are far more sympathetic to my plight. They don’t care that my wife is posting pictures of herself on the internets. They are certain I deserve better, that I deserve “a real woman,” who will treat me right. They even want to correspond with me, which will only cost about $10 an email, as they are translated to/from Russian. I mean, you really have to hand it to the Russian Revolution because when I was growing up, we knew that the Russians wanted our women, and now their women want our men. (Martians also wanted our women when I was growing up. When will I get email from Martian women wanting to marry me? Damn, the future all the B-movies promised just ain’t never going to get here.)

Of course, getting all those Russian letters translated will be kind of expensive, but have no fear. Spammers have that covered, too. Somehow I got on a list circulated amongst corrupt Third World officials (Generals, Presidents, Prime Ministers and the odd Emperor), and they thought I was trustworthy. They have all died (I know, I should never speak ill of the dead, especially when they want to make me rich) and their sons, widows, cousins, nephews, nieces and, in one case, Russian Mistress; want me to help them get the money from Switzerland. They must think I’m Jason Bourne or something.

Which, when you think of it, means spam is pretty life affirming. It proves there’s someone out there for everyone, and for someone, everyone is a hero. And that almost makes it worth having to delete hundreds of emails a day.